Ken Cheng's Recent LinkedIn Posts

My biggest ick? An employee checking the time. If anyone is asking the time, they clearly only care about going home. If you cared about your job, then time becomes a meaningless construct. Thats why I personally took down every clock in the building. I've taken every measure so that nobody knows what time it is. All PCs have software that scrambles all timestamps. Someone tried to Google the time but it triggered a trap that wiped their hard drive. One person tried to fashion a sundial out of paper clips, so I banned the concept of shadows. When you work for me, time is irrelevant. It's so hard to organise meetings.

I've only ever had one therapy session. When my therapist arrived, he seemed very nervous. For the first 15 minutes he only talked about himself and his mental health issues. I assumed it was some sort of role reversal exercise so I rolled with it. After another half an hour of him talking, I hit him with some advice. "Wow," he said. "That made me feel so much better." Suddenly, two therapists entered the room, apologetic. Turns out we were both patients, sent to the wrong room and thought we were each others' therapists. "We're so sorry, we will give you a free session to make up for this." "That won't be necessary" the other patient said. "This man's advice was all I needed." I tried therapy once and I cured another man's depression. I didn't need to ever go back.

I only ask one question in job interviews. "How many job applications have you done before this?" If it's under 50, instant rejection. Why? Because they haven't suffered enough. The job application process should be pure torture. Candidates should be at the end of their tether. Otherwise, they'll get cocky. I had a perfect interviewee. Perfect experience, grades and personality. But he'd only done 3 applications. Hard no. If I hired him he would've felt valued. That's dangerous. I only touch those with absolutely no self esteem left. No suffering = no hire.

This post contains zero content. None. Why is that important? it isn't. But I can make it sound significant. How? Two words: gravitas. No points are being made. But they're being not made with style. Why post this at all? Aren't I wasting your time? Better question: Why did you read to the end? You wasted your own time.

I dropkicked a watermelon out of a 38th floor window. It almost landed on a bypasser and could've killed her. Instead it splattered all over her clothes. Why did I do this? Because we needed to try *something*. Our stock price had gone down in the last 2 weeks. All our attempts to steer the ship failed. When conventional methods are exhausted, only the unconventional remains. I ran downstairs and bought the largest watermelon and did the deed myself. After a mere hour, our stock price rose 2 points. The *something* worked. Now I know what to do in trouble. Just when you thought you knew everything about business, it teaches something new.

I am the Bonnie Blue of LinkedIn. This is a good thing. Her dedication and drive are unmatched. So is mine. She will stop at nothing to get the job done. Neither will I. She has had sex with thousands of people. Me too. She is a massive inspiration to me. Her ambition. Her efficiency. Her excellence. Every morning I put on a video of hers to learn. And I learn so much. Our fields may not seem similar, but they are the same. I will not quit watching her until I am exactly like her. I'm 80% of the way there.

One of my employees became violently ill. I recognised the symptoms instantly. Flesh eating bacteria. Everyone said we should evacuate the building. I said no. I walked towards the bacteria. I said "listen, if you let this man live, I can get you all the flesh you need." "But if you kill him, you die with it." The man's symptoms subsided. He was completely fine. No doctors. No hospital. No medicine. All I needed to do was strike a deal with the virus. In this industry, there is no party you can't negotiate with.

I got a scary phone call in the middle of a meeting. My son was being rushed to the ER. I had to make a split decision: prioritise work or my son? I chose my son. I left the meeting and jumped in my car. What was the problem? Nothing. There was no emergency. The meeting I was in was an employee asking for a raise. I have a big button under my desk that says "fake son emergency". It triggers an automated phone call that sounds like the real thing. When I got back, the employee never asked to resume the meeting. People assumed I was "preoccupied with my injured son". I spent the whole day in my office playing mobile games. Always put family before work, especially if it involves giving someone more money.

A freelancer was very rude to me. How? They refused to work for free. I offered a comedian the chance to perform at a corporate event. The first thing they asked about was the pay (rude). I was offended. I purposefully didn't mention a fee because there is none. They don't need one. At the event they would be introduced to many important figures that would provide more gig opportunities that also don't pay. They said no; they want to be paid. How very selfish of them to try to earn money from their job. I feel personally attacked by the whole exchange.

I was raised by wolves in my first finance job. Actual wolves. A pack of feral wolves was let loose in the office. It was a marketing stunt gone wrong. My boss refused to call animal control, saw them as scammers he did. He believed he could reason with them. He went to business school after all. The wolves tore him to shreds. Then ate the entire HR department. Everyone was running for their lives. I was cornered in the break room by 2 of them. They took pity on me. Raised me as their new wolf cub. The office was deserted for 6 months. I had to adapt to survive. I learned this new wolf way. I was now running the business myself. Well, me and 6 wolves. They were pivotal to my success. I would invite clients to our conference room, then send my wolves in to circle them as they cowered on the table. I signed so many business deals. Some say it's a disadvantage to have all your co-workers devoured by canines. Not me. I am who I am today because of wolves.

I struggle with voice calls for one reason: my ex-wife. My second wife was the only person I could have long phone calls with. It was her accent: it warmed my insides and made them gooey. She had many flaws but her accent was perfect. Now, I struggle to stay focussed in calls unless they have her exact accent. What can I do? Only do business with people who sound like my ex-wife? Not anymore. Thanks to this new AI Accent tool that I discovered completely organically in the wild. It allows me to change anyone’s accent to my ex-wife’s in real time. The best part: nobody knows I’m doing this, because it’s completely listener-side. I can sit back and imagine I’m in bed with her, instead of talking about CRM with Geoff. Thank you for allowing my insides to be warm and gooey again. If you also miss your ex-wife and want to be reminded of her in every call, you should try Krisp.

Today I fired every single female employee. Why? I entered a new committed relationship. 85% of affairs happen in the workplace. I can't risk that. So I invited all the women in the office into a meeting and told them the bad news. I video called my new girlfriend in so she could see I was serious. There is no greater romantic gesture than firing 50 other women in front of them. I even fired the ones I wasn't interested in because I'm a male feminist who doesn't discriminate. The temptation of having any women around was too much danger. When I'm single, it's fine to have multiple affairs with my employees because the power imbalance is in my favour. When I'm taken, no. I won't even look at another woman (literally.)

I found this odd lemon-shaped item on my employee's desk. If I hold the button, it makes a strange buzzing noise. She told me it was a "productivity enhancer." Having it on makes her more energised and reduces stress. I checked her performance over the last few months and noticed rapid improvement. Whatever this contraption is, it works. I asked her to get several dozen more on company budget. I've given them out to everyone in the office. They're encouraged to use them during office hours. In meetings I place a few in the centre of the table. They create an aura of creativity and stimulate the room. Does anyone know what this is? Has anyone used one before?

Wokeism has gone too far. I saw a censored advert on a billboard today. It depicted a meerkat in a swimming pool. The meerkat's crotch was pixelated. Enough is enough. I should be allowed to see meerkat penis if I want. (I should make it clear I don't want to.) Who gets to decide this is too much for me to handle in public? Because I can handle seeing a meerkat's junk. (Though it gives me no pleasure at all.) It is my fundamental right that I should have to. In a free state, a meerkat's genitalia would be forced upon my eyes daily. Woke culture has ruined Britain. (I do not enjoy looking at meerkats)

5 years ago my girlfriend asked when I'll pop the question. I had no intention to in the near future. I could've easily told her that. But I didn't. Instead, I told her we should have an alignment meeting. She was hopeful this meant I would propose soon. No. The alignment "meeting" lasted 3 years. We had talk after talk where I would keep introducing new potential challenges and complicated agendas. I would bring in family, friends, neighbours, all who has dissenting opinions. I would arrange alignment meetings to decide when to have the next alignment meeting, as well as who would be at that one. It was the perfect stalling tactic. Alignment meetings are not just for work, they are a way of life.

I've always stood against sexism. I find it abhorrent. I've said so in my internal emails. However, when an employee said something sexist last week, I looked the other way. Why? Because I was lying to look good. It's called "performative allyship." Why act on a problem when you can just say you will? Then you don't ruffle any feathers and women will still sleep with you. All by simply doing nothing. That's called maximum efficiency. Women are happy. Sexists are happy. Win-win.

Yesterday I unveiled a new groundbreaking AI model. Imagine you're stuck with a hard decision. Do I expand into a new market? Do we start developing a new product? Do I fire Jenny? You simply say it into my new AI and it will spit out a one sentence answer. "Without a doubt" "Don't count on it" "Almost certainly" No walls of texts. No external links. No nonsense. It is so straightforward I've packaged it into a small black sphere that fits in two hands. I've used it four times and every time it's yielded measurable results. It might possibly replace all consultants. It's amazing what you can achieve with AI with just some original creative thinking.

I wish I had big boobs. Think about it. Women with large naturals are powerful. There is no male equivalent. I can't use my bodily parts in the same way. I was between two candidates for sales rep. One had big boobs. The other was a man. I hired the first without thought. Now I don't care about big boobs at all. I didn't even look at them directly. But I know other men would. Potential clients. So I begrudgingly went with big boobs. I wish my boobs could increase shareholder value as much. Big boobs are literally soft skills.

An employee told me she was feeling anxiety. She said I was putting a lot of pressure on her. I had one very simple solution. "Don't be anxious." People never try it. But it's amazingly effective. If you are feeling stressed, don't. This advice could bring the whole therapy industry to its knees. I've been afraid to share it, in case they come for me. But I felt compelled to. Hot take: I'd rather people weren't anxious. Especially my own employees. I knew the advice worked because she never told me she was anxious again.

LinkedIn, I broke my foot. How? I tripped on my Tech Entrepreneur of the Year Award. It was on the floor because I ran out of space in my trophy cabinet. As I was falling I tried to grab onto something. But I was blinded by a sheen of light reflecting off my shiny Most Innovative Boss statuette. I then slipped on a copy of GQ where I was the cover model. I'm now in hospital, suffering from success. Is it possible to be TOO successful? No. I just need a bigger trophy cabinet.

I gave a stranger on the street an option. £5,000 in cash or a one-on-one sit-down dinner with me. He first said the cash. I said wait. I then explained who I was and my story. He immediately switched to the dinner. He instantly knew a conversation with me could be worth millions. The next week we had dinner at a fancy restaurant. He began grilling me for business advice. I ignored every question. I ate my food very fast and didn't make eye contact once. When I was done I brought out a book and began reading in silence. Idiot. There was no way he was getting free advice from me. When given the option, always, ALWAYS take the cash.

I tried out the cuck chair yesterday. I sat in the corner and watched my girlfriend sleep with another man. Why? Because if she cheats on me, I'd rather learn from it. When a client leaves you for another business, do you moan and cry? Do you sit at home, wallowing? No, you get good. You collect data and improve. That's what I was doing while a man ploughed my lover. I was doing market research. It's not a cuck chair. It's a cuck vantage point.

I only agree to make business deals with women. Why? Is it because they're more empathetic? Because they're better communicators? Because I miss my mother? No. It's because I can read their minds. Years ago I slipped on some black ice and hit my head. When I woke up I could suddenly hear women's thoughts. Not just any women though, only powerful women in business. Now, I insist I only negotiate with She-E-Os. I've secured top deals that seem impossible. Turns out knowing exactly what someone is thinking could be an advantage. If you ever see some black ice, think about slipping on some to get ahead in the corporate world. Thanks black ice.

I called an employee at 9pm on Saturday. There was an urgent server problem that needed dealing with. Most employees ignore the call. Not mine. He picked up. Spent 2 hours talking through the issue. Very selfless of him, especially as there was no server issue. I made it up. Why? Because I was lonely. Saturdays are really hard for people like me. We're so used to work that we feel purposeless. And when there is no work, we have no other choice but to create some. Every weekend, I will call up my employees with fabricated problems just to hear another human voice. So, next time you're watching TV with your family, maybe spare a thought for your boss and give them a call. Otherwise, they are forced invent an elaborate lie just to feel ok.

My 95 year old Grandad passed away last week. The man was a hard worker, never missing a day of work in his life. On his deathbed, I asked him if he had any regrets. He said yes. On February 3rd 1976, he clocked off 20 minutes early to be with Nana. He wishes he hadn't. He would do anything to have those 20 extra minutes of work back. Let that be a lesson to all of us: never take any time off work or it'll be your one regret on your deathbed.